Healing years

In the weeks leading up to my mothers passing, we were living in a two bedroom unit that had no aircon and we were having heat waves of 41 degrees daily that week.

We had been in the unit for a month or so and my mum had only stayed in the house for a couple days before being admitted into the ICU part of the hospital, where she stayed for her remaining time.

I had recently finished repeating my year 11 VCE with the goal of getting into university and I was just about to continue to year 12, but knowing where mum was, I knew that my future was put on hold.

I had a feeling she wasn’t coming home.

I was working at Coles at the time doing casual work and I remember getting home, sweltering from the heat inside the house and something came over me and I fell to my knees.

I started to cry, the cry turned into a howl & I begged my mum not to leave me. I knew she was gone before she had even passed away.

That’s when her death became a surreal part of my experience, I knew my life was about to change again.

Where was I going to go? What was I going to do?

I was in a toxic relationship that didn’t help my situation.

I surrounded myself with people that weren’t good for me. I was completely broken and I fell into a deep hole of darkness.

A week after my mother’s funeral, my uncle passed away in his sleep.

This was a complete shock, he was married to my Aunty on my dad’s side.

I couldn’t believe such a beautiful, hard working, sincere man had gone without warning.

My heart sunk for my Aunty and my cousins as I knew of the grief they were about to experience, nothing could ever prepare you for the loss of a parent.

It was then at my uncles wake that my Dad broke down to me and asked for me to move in with him and his new family.

Dad told me that he would figure out a way it would all work.

He bought a house big enough for me to move into and spent weeks renovating it after working 16 hour shifts at his work.

He really moved fast to try and get it all ready for us.

I had to adjust to living with a family unit again and learn how to live with people I felt I didn’t know. It wasn’t easy.

I was so fond of my baby brother, he was such a gorgeous baby and his cuddles and smiles would lighten my days.

I saw his innocence that I had within myself & that comforted me in times I really needed.

Soon after my baby sister was born, she too gave the best cuddles and smiles.

I now had two adorable siblings that I could share my love with.

But life was still tough, I was grieving.

I would sleep for days, I wouldn’t get out of bed and I hardly ate.

My dad was concerned and spoke to the family.

My cousin whom I’m still close with today, suggested I go see a friend of the family for reiki, she didn’t really explain in detail what it was but I was open to anything to help stop feeling the mental pain I was feeling.

This was my first ever encounter of spiritual healing. It was something I had never felt before and it honestly gave me the loving feeling I so desperately needed.

I continued seeing our family friend throughout my years and still do today.

A year after starting my reiki sessions, I made the decision to drop the toxic relationship I was in and I decided to travel to Thailand for a month on my own.

It was the whole I need to find myself experience. I booked the trip after my 21st birthday and believed I was leaving behind a life that no longer served me and I was preparing to change my life for the better.

Reiki helped me believe that my mums presence was always around me and I could connect with my mum at anytime.

In the quiet moments I had in Thailand with my self and my thoughts, I reflected on my life and what I wanted for my future. It was a chance to start a new.

When I got back, I still had friends that lingered around toxic groups and I wasn’t prepared to let them all go.

That was until I met Lucas.

Lucas honestly swept me off my feet, this 6’4ft handsome young man had eyes for me and he drew me in.

I couldn’t resist this guys charm and I don’t think anyone had ever listened to my life the way he did. He saw me, for who I was.

I could tell there was more to him but it wasn’t until we were 12 months deep into our relationship that I started to see the signs, that he also wasn’t in the best mental space.

We were young and partying reached a whole new level.

It took us a very long time to get our relationship to where it is today but I knew my heart was completely invested in this man.

I saw a future with him and I knew that he needed guidance and a hand in the right direction to reach his own secure path and he deserved it all.

When we made the decision to grow our lives together, we made a promise to each other that we would always remain honest, that we always would have each other’s back and would pull each other into line when it was needed.

My grandmother believes that we were sent to each other for a reason and that my mother had been watching over me and guided me to this family.

Throughout the years of being with Lucas, I developed a strong bond with his parents, they took me in as one of their own and provided a nurturing environment that helped both Lucas and I thrive.

It was the first time in my life that I finally had stability, a family unit that cared for my existence and they made it known to me. I’ll be forever grateful for those times.

Now, almost 9 years on, I have my own family. The hard work still continues, but it’s no where near as sad as it once was.

I have a strong and healthy relationship with my husband, a beautiful, happy and healthy baby boy and another one on the way.

I believe I’ve done my best with the cards I’ve been dealt.

I can proudly say that I’m not perfect and I have made plenty of mistakes along the way, but I have learnt from every single one of them and will continue to do so.

I could have made so many different choices and went down several different paths, but I choose to be better.

I chose not to be a victim of my past or my future, but to grow from it instead.

I chose that I deserve happiness.

I chose to be kind hearted and a generous person.

I chose to be authentic and truthful to everyone I know and everyone I meet.

And I choose to treat people with the respect they deserve.

I don’t carry the bitterness of what my life has served, instead I wear those experiences as a badge of honour and say that I survived and I will continue to survive in world that is rough and uncertain.

I vow to keep serving myself with the love and respect that I deserve and I vow to do the same for the people around me.

I also vow to protect myself and my family from those that may not have the best intentions and walk away when necessary.

It’s not so much about the sadness in my story, it’s about how I rose above it all and will continue to do so in my life.

I hope I have been inspiring enough to show that you are the maker of your own destination and you choose where you want to go and how to live it.

I hope you choose to do it with love above all.

Fe

Xoxo