What the actual?

Life can be confusing can’t it?

The last two months for me have seriously made my head roll.

We all hold this expectation about how everything should be, how we should be as people, what we expect from others and sometimes it just can’t be done for all sorts of reasons.

And that is something I have become really familiar with.

And let’s be honest, stopping yourself from having expectations is HARD.

I’ve been everything from a distraught emotional mess, to an aligned enlightened being of the universe, to a sad and somber sooky lala, to a lighter refreshed human starting new beginnings, to then being physically sick and purging everything from my body.

It’s been an absolute mess of a roller coaster.

Reflecting on it, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

I’ve had two stints of food poisoning, the second I’m still recovering from.

My household for the 1st time had to deal with everyone being sick.

Something I’m really hopeful not to repeat because everyone sick in the household at the same time SUCKS.

Especially when you all don’t have the same sickness, we had the boys sick with a snotty cold, then US parents battling with the food poisoning. We felt so displaced and just completely not ourselves.

Thank the Lord we had my inlaws around and helping us out with the kids!

We love you guys heaps 🌸

With all this being said though, the good moments in the last 2 months have certainly succeeded in bringing back my flow and my purpose.

I’ve started a course that is aligned with my visions and moving me forward in a really strong way.

Once I get a little deeper into it, I look forward to sharing some of my insights along the way.

It’s been a long time coming and these last 2 months have taught me a lot about myself and others.

If I can give any advice if your having any trouble through these weird times, it’s easier if you drop judgement of yourself and others, let go of things that no longer serve you and just be yourself.

Be a loving human being. That’s what the world needs right now. Love.

Because that is what you are, that is what we all are. Love.

P.S this artwork came through when I was desperately seeking a comfort embrace for myself a week or so ago and she appeared.

Have you reached this level yet?

Mate, let me tell you!

The last couple of months have been an absolute blur.

I couldn’t put words together, I was completely sleep-deprived and I just wasn’t myself.

We were out of isolation but I still felt isolated.

I couldn’t understand why Maks wasn’t sleeping like the champ we taught him to be and it was making me a hot mess.

Not just because of him, but because I still had Roman in my bed from co sleeping and breastfeeding.

Yes I know, old habits die hard.

So NOW we had two kids in the bed.

A toddler that fly kicks you in his sleep & a baby that wakes every 45 minutes searching for ya boob like one of those suction fish. (You know what I mean, if ya seen the meme)

Lucas and I had not been alone together for a full night sleep in 9 months… it was a shit feeling for us and we missed each other.

I missed just being on my own. No one touching me. No one sticking their feet in my pj pants to keep their feet warm (Maksim) or scratching my eyeballs out when feeding (Roman).

I love my kids, but I also love myself and it was time I kicked ‘em out.

After having a relaxing date night last week, spending time with my best mate and talking about how crazy our life had become, I decided that from this week it was time to kick old habits to the curb and face my fear of putting my kids to sleep and being consistent about it.

I actually became so anxious about bed time that I would give in every single time just not to hear them cry. It was killing me.

I was becoming a snappy so and so.

I wasn’t parenting they way I wanted to because I wasn’t F$?@ing sleeping.

So with a few chin checks from the weekend, it was decided that Monday night those kids were in their own god damn beds!

Monday rolls around, our night time routine starts and BAM the anxiety starts but it was subtle. I had control this time.

I put the kids in bed and the crying begins. I go in every couple of minutes to try and resettle and it doesn’t work.

The anxiety reaches my throat and I start to melt down.

Lucas looks at me and says “STOP GOING IN THERE” I look at him, I sit down.

I stare at the monitor and look at my kids crying and being bloody needy.

BUT after 15 minutes it starts to get less and less. Roman is starting to settle and Maks is finally getting the picture that we are just going to keep putting him in his bed until he understands once AGAIN that it’s sleeptime.

I keep repeating in my head, they are safe, they are loved, they are fed, they are warm. They don’t need me right now.

THEN BAM. Silence, both kids are asleep. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I knew I wasn’t out of the woods, but I knew I had made progress. This was the first step.

Since Monday, we have continued our routine, I had techniques flood back from sleep school and we have been going strong since. I know we still have a long way to go and sleep disruption can happen at any stage but GOD it’s been a good feeling to get a good solid 4 or 5 hours sleep again.

HELLO, I’m even writing again!

What I learnt from the last couple of days is that sometimes you just gotta give in, give in to yourself.

Do what you gotta do and trust that you CAN do it. This applies to absolutely everything that redeems positive outcomes.

I was so close to just going back to sleep school because I thought I couldn’t do it again, that I was going to fail.

But so far so good. If I need to try knew techniques I will, if I have to go back to sleep school (which I know I wont) I’ll do it.

Because I need peace, I need rest and I need these things to be the best mother I can be. Because this is my life and I’m bloody good at it. Doing life that is and of course being a mum.

Thanks for letting me share, thanks to my kids and to myself for allowing me to rest. And thank you wook for doing this with me and being the champion you are. I love you.

HAPPY FRIDAY MY FRIENDS 🌸

Limbo moments

I booked our New Zealand trip in September last year and to be honest I didn’t get the same rush of excitement that I normally get when booking our holidays.

It felt stressful booking the tickets, making sure I had chosen the right month to go, thinking if it was the best place to explore, is it worth it?! Should we just do Bali ?!

I doubted the whole trip.

Usually, I’m all over our holidays, I book things seamlessly and I’m organised.

So I felt stumped with the feelings I was having. I knew New Zealand was an impressive country but I think doing a big trip with Maksi made it all a-bit daunting and I just hadn’t been feeling myself for a couple months.

It truly is a multitasking life being the best mum I can be to my son and trying to get my life back at the same time.

All I knew was the if we go, we would only do the South Island, so we could get the most out of it, without feeling rushed. Not only that, I was told the South Island didn’t disappoint.

Anyway.

Once I booked our flights and the tickets, I had to figure out how we were going to do it with a baby and if it was possible to do it in a van, which I guess, if we didn’t have Maksim we would have done it that way, but to make life a little easier, it was getting the car and booking accommodation.

We started off in Nelson, then headed north to Takaka (Golden Bay) and the surrounds of the Abel Tasman, then we’ve zig zagged our way down to Queenstown.

It took a little while to settle in but as soon as we got out into nature, it took my breath away and I started to feel better.

My mental state improved and I let things go.

The stress, the world at home, my negative thoughts started to take the back seat.

Coastal walk Abel Tasman – heading for goat bay

On this trip so far and the beautiful scenery that I have been so fortunate to experience has made me realise ONCE AGAIN how little those “negative thoughts” are.

I’m a big believer in growth mentally & spiritually. I’ve used these methods in my life to make some serious changes for myself and to be able to live a life of flow and ease.

Travel helps me through these times and I thank my in-laws for setting these examples and encouraging us to travel.

Even if you don’t get the whole overseas trip to the Bahamas thing, going to a nice national park near home does the job.

I’m pretty chuffed that my husband enjoys these adventures as much as I do and is super hands on when it comes to Maksim.

Fiordland

We head off tomorrow to Wanaka and finish off in Queenstown.

Soon it will back to reality and everyday life but with a refreshed perspective.

Ciao for now

NZ

Over the last two weeks, I’ve been travelling around the South Island of New Zealand with my hubby and 10 month old son Maksim. We still have another week to go, which is amazing 🎉

It’s been such a beautiful, tiring, amazing, frustrating, eyegasming experience.

Mostly beautiful, when bubs isn’t screaming in the back seat because his first 4 teeth decided to rear there heads on these particular HOLIDAY weeks. Anyway.

We’ve been travelling the country side in a 4 door hatch back corolla and staying in Air BnBs and motels, 1 to 2 nights per stay.

Just imagine how many times, that requires unpacking, packing up, setting up, cleaning up, making sure the place is baby proof so my martial artist baby doesn’t break anything or hurt himself.

Can you picture it now?

Babes finally asleep after 1 hour of none stop crying

My initial thoughts when it comes to absolutely anything in life is …” I can do it, no worries.” Haha that’s my motto that I say to myself, especially when I decide to do things that can be a little challenging.

My thoughts in between the process change to, oh god, why did I do this?! How am I going to survive?! What if this happens etc etc etc.

But after those shitty and NORMAL thoughts, I just get on with it. The world provides enough beauty around us that I forget those stresses in life and I enjoy the scenery around me with my beautiful family! And I know that my husband and son feel the same way.

Especially, when I catch a glimpse of my son seeing something he has never seen before. It really inspires me to take him anywhere and everywhere. And it makes me less fearful of parenthood, because we are learning and seeing things together.

It hasn’t been easy, but it hasn’t be hard either.

We take each day as it comes, and I think the best thing I did was give us enough time (3 weeks) to be able to chill on some days, rather then the typical go, go, go holiday.

It’s such a pleasure being able to travel with a baby, and an amazing husband that does so much for both of us!! We thank you papa 😘

Photos of our trip so far are below: