Mate, let me tell you!

The last couple of months have been an absolute blur.

I couldn’t put words together, I was completely sleep-deprived and I just wasn’t myself.

We were out of isolation but I still felt isolated.

I couldn’t understand why Maks wasn’t sleeping like the champ we taught him to be and it was making me a hot mess.

Not just because of him, but because I still had Roman in my bed from co sleeping and breastfeeding.

Yes I know, old habits die hard.

So NOW we had two kids in the bed.

A toddler that fly kicks you in his sleep & a baby that wakes every 45 minutes searching for ya boob like one of those suction fish. (You know what I mean, if ya seen the meme)

Lucas and I had not been alone together for a full night sleep in 9 months… it was a shit feeling for us and we missed each other.

I missed just being on my own. No one touching me. No one sticking their feet in my pj pants to keep their feet warm (Maksim) or scratching my eyeballs out when feeding (Roman).

I love my kids, but I also love myself and it was time I kicked ‘em out.

After having a relaxing date night last week, spending time with my best mate and talking about how crazy our life had become, I decided that from this week it was time to kick old habits to the curb and face my fear of putting my kids to sleep and being consistent about it.

I actually became so anxious about bed time that I would give in every single time just not to hear them cry. It was killing me.

I was becoming a snappy so and so.

I wasn’t parenting they way I wanted to because I wasn’t F$?@ing sleeping.

So with a few chin checks from the weekend, it was decided that Monday night those kids were in their own god damn beds!

Monday rolls around, our night time routine starts and BAM the anxiety starts but it was subtle. I had control this time.

I put the kids in bed and the crying begins. I go in every couple of minutes to try and resettle and it doesn’t work.

The anxiety reaches my throat and I start to melt down.

Lucas looks at me and says “STOP GOING IN THERE” I look at him, I sit down.

I stare at the monitor and look at my kids crying and being bloody needy.

BUT after 15 minutes it starts to get less and less. Roman is starting to settle and Maks is finally getting the picture that we are just going to keep putting him in his bed until he understands once AGAIN that it’s sleeptime.

I keep repeating in my head, they are safe, they are loved, they are fed, they are warm. They don’t need me right now.

THEN BAM. Silence, both kids are asleep. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I knew I wasn’t out of the woods, but I knew I had made progress. This was the first step.

Since Monday, we have continued our routine, I had techniques flood back from sleep school and we have been going strong since. I know we still have a long way to go and sleep disruption can happen at any stage but GOD it’s been a good feeling to get a good solid 4 or 5 hours sleep again.

HELLO, I’m even writing again!

What I learnt from the last couple of days is that sometimes you just gotta give in, give in to yourself.

Do what you gotta do and trust that you CAN do it. This applies to absolutely everything that redeems positive outcomes.

I was so close to just going back to sleep school because I thought I couldn’t do it again, that I was going to fail.

But so far so good. If I need to try knew techniques I will, if I have to go back to sleep school (which I know I wont) I’ll do it.

Because I need peace, I need rest and I need these things to be the best mother I can be. Because this is my life and I’m bloody good at it. Doing life that is and of course being a mum.

Thanks for letting me share, thanks to my kids and to myself for allowing me to rest. And thank you wook for doing this with me and being the champion you are. I love you.

HAPPY FRIDAY MY FRIENDS 🌸